Today I woke up for the first time completely headache free. Only a few yawns so far today. Could it be success? Is the CPAP machine really working in my favor? It must be…miraculously in fact since I tend to snatch that mask off every night for a couple of hours before I am groping around in the dark of the early A.M hours trying to slap it back into place over my nose. One small victory for moi I suppose.
Today was my Barium Swallow Test and Chest X-Rays. For those not in the know; Barium is a milky chalky substance that you swallow while the technicians snap pictures of your upper GI in all different angles. Standing up, to the left, laying down, on your back on your stomach etc. The taste wasn’t necessarily bad; it was citrusy…but my mind couldn’t make the lime flavor and the milky consistency mesh…therefore my stomach just wanted to push it back up.
As I sat patiently waiting in my skivvies and 2 hospital gowns since one clearly wasn’t going around me; a blonde haired, blue eyed freckled face 100 lb young lady walked in to the room and called my name. She talked softly and slowly as if otherwise I couldn’t understand her. She looked extremely bored and tried her hardest not to look at me. As I get into the room with the spinning table I take notice of how sterile it is. All white walls, all white equippment…all I needed was padded walls and I could have been right at home.
Next in comes another young lady; this one was a brunette…she weighed maybe about 110 lbs. She was far more chipper than the first girl. She asked me if I was having Gastric Bypass. I told her yes. She looked like she wanted to high five me. She was super sweet to the point she made my teeth hurt. She explained the procedure to me; asked me questions about my kids. She asked me how much I weighed…she didn’t even flinch when I told her. She scored points with me for that.
Finally the Head Tech came into the room. She was also a starving 100 lbs. Blonde frosted hair, store bought tan and about as inviting as a porcupine. She droned on and on…told me what to do how to lay…blah blah blah. Little ms. Brunette didn’t seem to really fit in with the two Barbies…for she had far too much personality to be apart of their scene. I think she knew it too. She wished me luck before I left the room. The other two just seemed glad to see me go. Why did their presence strike a chord with me? I don’t know. I think because when little skinny women see me…they feel so far removed from me. I am everything they don’t want to be. I am the reason they diet, and shove their fingers down their throats…and work out religiously. They don’t want to be like me.
And a lot of people feel that way. They just don’t say it out loud. But after being me for as long as I have been; somethings just go without saying. When I see women like them; I don’t desire to be them though. I like having a thickness to my thighs, fullness to my legs, a little tummy…makes me feel like a woman. I often wonder do they scowl because they are hungry??? Yes a little chubbiness is alright with me….but I am far beyond that at this point. And maybe that is what me and them have in common….disgust.
Yep. I admit it. I am disgusted with me. Angry. Upset. Livid. Disappointed. All of the above. The more I do in preperation for this surgery…the more it becomes more real to me that this is happening out of necessity. And if it’s a necessity for me to have WLS…my God what did I do to get here? Habits. Bad ones. Learned ones. Now I have to break them all and create new ones.
I try not to be overwhelmed by the things to come. I question whether or not it will be worth it. I guess I will just have to weight (pun intended) and see.
Tags: bariatric surgery, barium swallow, CPAP, diet, food, gastric bypass, journey, overweight, rny, Roux-en y, self-esteem, sleep apnea, trying to lose weight, UPENN, weight loss surgery, wls
HAVING MY CAKE BUT I CAN'T EAT IT TOO??? 