“Luke…I Am Your Father….”

1 Jul

Why am I quoting the infamous dark lord Darth Vader? Because soon (as in tomorrow) I too will be donning a facial mask that will alter my voice if I try to speak. Why? Because I failed my sleep test. Go figure. How does one fail a sleep test you might ask? Cause I didn’t study? (little bad humor here) No…I did study…a sleep study. On a nice comfy memory foam mattress in the Sheraton Hotel with a ton of wires connected to me.

What did they discover? That I have Sleep Apnea. In short I stop breathing several times in a night; which causes oxygen to be low, carbon dioxide to be high, and not enough real sleep happening. The result? Just like your common narcoleptic I am out and asleep in a matter of nano seconds if I sit still even just a moment!

This has done wonders for my sex life, my social life, as well as my work. I have the attention span of a gnat. Not to mention that I am getting real familiar with the way the back of my eyelids look.

SO…the remedy to this is something called a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine. Basically I am strapping on this:

 

In hopes of having a restful nights sleep. Now…I am skeptical. I can’t imagine that this thing  being all over my face is going to help…nor do I see it really doing much to improve my spontaneous sex life. I can just imagine my husband turning over in the middle of the night for a little wake up nookie and how turned off he’s going to be by this air blowing machine all in my nostrils and all over my mouth. However the physicians swear by it so it must be true…?

I guess in the grand scheme of things I can look at this as part of my life style change and just one more thing to do in preperation of the big day called Surgery! The hope is that after I have the RNY that my Sleep Apnea will subside….that’s the HOPE…but not the guarantee. I guess only time will tell. In the mean time…maybe if I institute light sabers and 2 buns on the side of my head I can make something out of this in terms of creativity in the bedroom no?

 

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