9 Jul

That’s right. That gosh darn barium I swallowed is sitting in my stomach 3 long painfully excruciatingly days later…it is still taking up space rent free in my intestinal tract. It hurts to walk. It hurts to sit. It just plain hurts. I have tried every form of relief possible. And guess what? NO RELIEF! I am literally full of…SHUT YO MOUTH!

I’ve tried everything. Pressure points, pressing on the belly, suppositories, various laxatives and I’ve got NOTHING. Next stop…Prune Juice.

I get it….everything has a side effect…whatever you put into your body; your body is sure to have a reaction. What I do wish is when the technician explained that I might be mildly constipated that she would have explained by mildly what she really meant to say was severely.

I just want this to all go away. I would get down on my knees and pray but I fear my obstructed digestive system will not allow me to. Kidding; about not praying…I’m sure I can do that standing up, through clenched teeth.

I have 3 more appointments and I will finally have my date for surgery. I truly hope that those won’t have any butt numbing side effects.

The Goal:

::sigh:: waiting impatiently………….


Time to Swallow the Facts

6 Jul

Today I woke up for the first time completely headache free. Only a few yawns so far today. Could it be success? Is the CPAP machine really working in my favor? It must be…miraculously in fact since I tend to snatch that mask off every night for a couple of hours before I am groping around in the dark of the early A.M hours trying to slap it back into place over my nose. One small victory for moi I suppose.

Today was my Barium Swallow Test and Chest X-Rays. For those not in the know; Barium is a milky chalky substance that you swallow while the technicians snap pictures of your upper GI in all different angles. Standing up, to the left, laying down, on your back on your stomach etc. The taste wasn’t necessarily bad; it was citrusy…but my mind couldn’t make the lime flavor and the milky consistency mesh…therefore my stomach just wanted to push it back up.

As I sat patiently waiting in my skivvies and 2 hospital gowns since one clearly wasn’t going around me; a blonde haired, blue eyed freckled face 100 lb young lady walked in to the room and called my name. She talked softly and slowly as if otherwise I couldn’t understand her. She looked extremely bored and tried her hardest not to look at me.  As I get into the room with the spinning table I take notice of how sterile it is. All white walls, all white equippment…all I needed was padded walls and I could have been right at home.

Next in comes another young lady; this one was a brunette…she weighed maybe about 110 lbs. She was far more chipper than the first girl. She asked me if I was having Gastric Bypass. I told her yes. She looked like she wanted to high five me. She was super sweet to the point she made my teeth hurt. She explained the procedure to me; asked me questions about my kids.  She asked me how much I weighed…she didn’t even flinch when I told her. She scored points with me for that.

Finally the Head Tech came into the room. She was also a starving 100 lbs. Blonde frosted hair, store bought tan and about as inviting as a porcupine. She droned on and on…told me what to do how to lay…blah blah blah. Little ms. Brunette didn’t seem to really fit in with the two Barbies…for she had far too much personality to be apart of their scene. I think she knew it too. She wished me luck before I left the room. The other two just seemed glad to see me go. Why did their presence strike a chord with me? I don’t know. I think because when little skinny women see me…they feel so far removed from me. I am everything they don’t want to be. I am the reason they diet, and shove their fingers down their throats…and work out religiously. They don’t want to be like me.

And a lot of people feel that way. They just don’t say it out loud. But after being me for as long as I have been; somethings just go without saying. When I see women like them; I don’t desire to be them though. I like having a thickness to my thighs, fullness to my legs, a little tummy…makes me feel like a woman. I often wonder do they scowl because they are hungry??? Yes a little chubbiness is alright with me….but I am far beyond that at this point. And maybe that is what me and them have in common….disgust.

Yep. I admit it. I am disgusted with me. Angry. Upset. Livid. Disappointed. All of the above. The more I do in preperation for this surgery…the more it becomes more real to me that this is happening out of necessity. And if it’s a necessity for me to have WLS…my God what did I do to get here? Habits. Bad ones. Learned ones. Now I have to break them all and create new ones.

I try not to be overwhelmed by the things to come. I question whether or not it will be worth it. I guess I will just have to weight (pun intended) and see.

They Say

3 Jul

It’s come to my attention that EVERYONE has an opinion or something to say about my choice to have weight loss surgery (wls). I have been bombarded by a barrage of  “I think” “In my opinion” “You should just” and “if it were me”. Well guess what folks…it’s NOT you! So why doesn’t everybody shut their traps?!

I’ve been told I am just being lazy, that I am taking the easy way out, that I am not trying hard enough. I don’t even bother to respond. I give people the stupid look because that’s all they are deserving of. Who died and made you MY physician? Who gave you the credentials to diagnose me and tell me what I should do about my weight?  Where do you get off judging me?

I can’t even waste my breath trying to explain how it feels to be me. So I just don’t. Cause people don’t really want to hear it. People are satisfied with just having their own opinion and speaking just to hear themselves speak. Wanting to feel all knowing and and self important. I find other fat people to be the worst offenders. Here you are stuffing your face with mallowmars telling me what kind of person I am but the truth is you’re just too afraid to do anything about your own weight issue. Go Figure.

At the end of the day it is me that is going to have to deal with this. So if you’re a family member or a friend the only thing I expect is your support and your genuine concern about my well being. For everyone else…I guess they all kind of don’t matter. My husband is being my rock..and doing all that he can to insure that I am doing what’s best for ME.

Everybody Else….


That will be all for now.

Please Pass the Vodka

2 Jul

At least that’s how I feel right now. No worries though…I’m not headed down the Alcohol Anonymous path yet. I’ve got to admit thought that Ihave been on an emotional roller coaster as of late…and for the first time I am consciously trying not to resort to eating a snack!

I got my CPAP machine…can’t wait to see how that works tonight. I keep researching and reading the support forums on RNY to calm my nerves…but honestly I am still scared. There are so many success stories yes…but the issues they had to fight through to reach that success is what scares me. But then I try to reason with myself. Here’s how that conversation went:

Me: “Self…I really need you to get a grip right now

Self: Listen me. You’re trying to change ME. Your trying to cut things up on my insides just so YOU can feel better.

Me: But self don’t you see how this benefits us both healthwise mentally and physically?

Self: Go ahead Me…have a piece of cake…and while your at it drink some soda…lay down and sleep your day away….

Do you see how unsuccessful that was? Maybe conversing with myself isn’t the best way….perhaps I will try another. Time to call the shrink. Time to lay down on the chaise lounge and admit that losing this weight by having this surgery is depressing the crap out of me. I should be happy right? I should feel like this is going to change my life. I just can’t seem to pep myself up. I am focusing on the negative even though I am trying really hard not to.

Maybe they can tell me  how to fix the crazy in me. Maybe they can’t. Who knows…it’s just a gamble that I will have to take…cause whether I like it or not…I’m having this surgery. Maybe after getting a normal nights rest I will start to feel better about things. We shall see.

In the mean time…I think I will take myself up on that offer and go have a drink…because soon…that won’t be happening either without me passing out from a half a glass of the good stuff!

To Eat or Not to Eat? THAT Is NOT The Question!

1 Jul

So here I am somewhere on the road to losing “me”…or should I say parts of me. Never in a million years did I think I’d be on this journey…yet here I am 25 years old and headed straight for the surgeon’s table for WLS. Getting to the decision of WLS was not easy. I was ashamed. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I didn’t want to face facts. I didn’t want to accept the fact that I hadn’t seen a reasonable weight since I was 19 years old.

I thought to myself “I will go with Lap Band”…it seemed like the less serious choice. It seemed like the easier of the surgeries…RNY(Gastric Bypass) ? Not me said I! SO…after! an excruciatingly embarrassing visit with my PCP to tell her all of my physical ailments that were not getting better…even after Slim Fast….exercising DAILY at the gym…murdering myself on the elliptical….eating things I hate…I had to admit that I was simply FAILING at being a loser except really I was excelling at being a loser…just not the good kind My doctor said to me in her sweet voice; it’s time to consider WLS. And there was no shock there…I expected this. I had even discussed it with my husband weeks before who by the way was totally opposed to the idea of any WLS.

So there I was at a seminar that very evening in a room full of folks who looked just like me. Rolly Polly and dazed and confused ….Some folks were gung ho about WLS…some even seemed exhilarated at the thought of being poked…prodded….inserted with plastic rings….nipped…stapled…etc. I was more on the fence…was I prepared to deal with possibly dumping? After listening to the Dietitian go on and on about the various surgeries my mind was swirling with talk of erosions, leaking wounds, displacement, dumping, pain, starving, protein, over eating,small portions etc. I thought my brain was going to explode!

In what seemed like the longest hour and a half I discovered that the Lap Band would be virtually useless for me. I was simply put too overweight. Go figure….a surgery for the overweight and I was TOO overweight….so the next thing was VSG…seemed reasonable…there was no re-plumbing…no malabsorption….seemed like the right choice….so I said “We have a winner!” Except after doing all my research on VSG…joining the forums on VSG…talking to the doctors about VSG….just to find out today that my insurance will NOT cover this “experimental” surgery…and my only other option was the dreaded RNY….So here I was on a downhill ride…signing papers…asking the Nurse and Dietician a gazillion questions…my husband looking on stupified and finally I was face to face with this blue eyed English accented surgeon who was witty, precise, and telling me just exactly how he was going to operate on me. Before I knew it I was shaking hands with the hands that were going to change my life…I walked out of Bariatric Surgery with a folder full of referrals..a 4 lb weight loss…and a head swirling with “what if’s”.

After a pretty scattered brain rest of the day at work I made a decision. In fact I made the decision somewhere between filing papers and sending emails to my clients…I was going to document this journey in my OWN voice. No faking…no fronting..just honesty. The good the bad and the ugly…I realized that there are MILLIONS of others who feel JUST like me…some just don’t have the voice…some are too scared…shy…ashamed…so I decided I will be the voice for all the silent…shy and embarrassed bigums just like me. I wlll share my journey with anyone who is willing to listen. Someone somewhere will be touched…I’m just sure of it! There is a small woman hiding somewhere inside me…I know she’s there…she’s been crying for years to get out…but I’ve just been shutting her up with cookies and cakes Not anymore…I am finally on my way to letting her out….I have no idea how that will change me…I don’t know who I will be after this…or even during this journey…but I am determined to find “me” who ever she might be…will you join me?

“Luke…I Am Your Father….”

1 Jul

Why am I quoting the infamous dark lord Darth Vader? Because soon (as in tomorrow) I too will be donning a facial mask that will alter my voice if I try to speak. Why? Because I failed my sleep test. Go figure. How does one fail a sleep test you might ask? Cause I didn’t study? (little bad humor here) No…I did study…a sleep study. On a nice comfy memory foam mattress in the Sheraton Hotel with a ton of wires connected to me.

What did they discover? That I have Sleep Apnea. In short I stop breathing several times in a night; which causes oxygen to be low, carbon dioxide to be high, and not enough real sleep happening. The result? Just like your common narcoleptic I am out and asleep in a matter of nano seconds if I sit still even just a moment!

This has done wonders for my sex life, my social life, as well as my work. I have the attention span of a gnat. Not to mention that I am getting real familiar with the way the back of my eyelids look.

SO…the remedy to this is something called a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine. Basically I am strapping on this:


In hopes of having a restful nights sleep. Now…I am skeptical. I can’t imagine that this thing  being all over my face is going to help…nor do I see it really doing much to improve my spontaneous sex life. I can just imagine my husband turning over in the middle of the night for a little wake up nookie and how turned off he’s going to be by this air blowing machine all in my nostrils and all over my mouth. However the physicians swear by it so it must be true…?

I guess in the grand scheme of things I can look at this as part of my life style change and just one more thing to do in preperation of the big day called Surgery! The hope is that after I have the RNY that my Sleep Apnea will subside….that’s the HOPE…but not the guarantee. I guess only time will tell. In the mean time…maybe if I institute light sabers and 2 buns on the side of my head I can make something out of this in terms of creativity in the bedroom no?